…or nomen est omen
Here, at the end of my world, the locals were perhaps the first people in all my travels to ask me what my first name meant.
In my case, the surname is also a topic of conversation, but I didn’t get it personally, even if I don’t carry it by accident. But to be programmed, only my first name has programmed my life.
I had known the meaning for a long time because I was interested in it and because it fitted in with my life so far:
head of family, head of clan
Not with power, of course, but with a kind of parentified sense of responsibility and humility. Its meaning became my mission.
I probably would have done so even if I had encountered István Joós’ sentence first, but I would have been more interested in understanding it, and perhaps I would have found the solution sooner:
“…a man cannot have a family as his mission.”
I failed. It’s no coincidence that life knocked me down a peg right where I wanted to be the best. But I never understood the slaps until now, even though my wounds ached in vain. Well, this time it hit harder. In a row…
Now that I have had the right to lose everything, and have gone through my divine hell and begun to understand the past I was born with, I can see its landmarks and milestones clearly. And I am grateful for this journey. I have been many places in the world, but only now have I truly understood.
My mother and I have always had a good relationship, but now, from thousands of kilometres away, we are closer than ever before. And every day, from behind the calloused wounds of her heart, she tells me the family story, from which, together with the experiences, I finally understand my ancestors, my children and myself.
All this made me write down the initials of my parents’, grandparents’ and children’s names. At first, I wanted to force them into a matrix. Then I left that to providence. If a name must be born that is dear to my soul and that I can use as a writer, it will be born.
Maybe it was put together that day. I’m all the flavours of me. And finally there’s power in it. Not the ancient warrior, but the…
Pious
