…and I did it from the bottom of my heart.
When she found out I was pregnant, she wanted to abort me. I was not yet four years old when he said to my mother – He’s in a better place than you! – and she left us. I had barely turned forty when I learned from a notary’s summons to a probate hearing that she was no longer alive.
Nothing in between….
After a while, of course, I was part of it, because I was no longer interested. I didn’t hate him, I didn’t resent him, I just didn’t care. I accepted the situation. And it became my mission to do it better. Of course I failed along the way…
According to my mother’s story and what was said at the probate hearing, she left this earthly existence in very miserable, unworthy conditions. He was once a cheerful fellow. He was a musician, a dodgeball player, a paratrooper in the army, a photographer, a bohemian…
Today is Father’s Day.
I don’t know what it means to anyone. I mean, not the holiday, not this day. It’s the father in her life. Unfortunately for me, it wasn’t given to me in any form. Not in an abusive or loving presence. I even lost my grandfathers at an age from which I have little or no recollection of even fragments of memories.
I had every desire to be the best possible father to my children. So they wouldn’t have to go through what I and masses of people have to go through. I raised them alone for eight years. I failed at redemption. But they have and always will have all the love in my heart.
I’ve told you a lot about the role of the number 12 in my life (I was born on the 12th of the 12th month, at 12:12 in the XII district). It’s also interesting that I was originally written for 21 the previous month, and so the two numbers mirrored each other: 12 21. (I’ll write about this in another post). But I was so uninterested in anything about my father that it was only today, when I found the probate court transcript again, that I realized that he died in 12,
I re-read the minutes: ‘There are no remaining estate assets. There is no inheritance burden. All this in 2012.
I now understand a lot about my mother’s attitude towards me…
In relationships, in material creation, I bring patterns and parenting patterns beautifully. When one, when the other.
When I went for a session in the spring of 2024, my therapist told me that your father and his brother were standing right behind you, giving you their blessing. May everything be good from now on. That you can get up.
The therapist had no way of knowing the following:
- that my father is no longer alive
- that he had a brother
- that his brother was also a boy
- that his brother was the elder
- and that he is no longer alive
The therapist was not some kind of proposing woman. And I don’t let myself go deeper into that kind of thing. But I always try to understand. And now I didn’t understand why I needed their blessing? Especially my father’s brother.
I don’t think I knew him at all. If the therapist had said that my father apologized, I would have understood, although I didn’t feel the need to in the least. I let him go a long time ago.
But today I have come to ask my father for help. To help me from up there, so I don’t screw up any more. Enough! Maybe he gave me his blessing. To be better from now on.
And today for the first time I could say – I love you daddy!
…and I did it with all my heart.
Happy Father’s Day! If it takes a release, it takes a release. If it takes forgiveness, it takes. But above all, unmerited love dear to you all!
